By James Leavey
What a week this has been. The Queen Mother died aged 101, God Rest
Her, and the Israeli/Palestinian conflict gets more nightmarish every
time I - hesitatingly - switch on the news. Perhaps that's why I keep
finding myself humming, 'Nearer My God, Than Thee'.
I had thought of hiring a Gestapo uniform and flying out to Bethlehem
for May Day, but what's the point. I never wanted to join the Israeli
army, anyway.
As if all this Middle East meltdown wasn't bad enough, from around
April 20 until May 12, especially May 4, we will be able to witness a
heavenly spectacular that won't be seen by British, at least,
skywatchers, for another century.
For this is when the five planets visible to the naked eye, i.e.
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn, will come together in a
dazzling conjunction, at least according to the astronomers.
Historically, alignments and conjunctions of planets - especially on
such a massive scale - have always been seen as portents of huge changes.
Unfortunately, that is what we seem to be experiencing at the moment,
and there is no sign that things are going to get better.
Then there's the problem of sick offices, which Professor Ole Fanger
(sic!) presented to the International Conference on Air Distribution in
Rooms and published in the magazine, Indoor Air (Sic! Or sick?).
Apparently, his research is seen as further evidence of the malaise
known as 'sick building syndrome', which can cause blocked noses,
headaches and dry throats, and has been linked to the movement of air
around the workplace.
I don't know how he'd cope in my office. You have to wade through
inches of Havana ash just to get to the desk. And there are occasions
when I do find it difficult to see the PC screen, through the smoke.
Which got me thinking about the late Queen Mum and how she enjoyed
her daily Gin and Dubonnet, with the occasional petit corona (yes, she
did smoke occasionally, until quite recently, and I know the London
tobacco retailer who supplied those Cuban smokes!).
Then one of our national newspapers stated that corporate jingles
have become the latest underground music craze. How about a jingle for
the end of the world, along the lines of:
We've got no time
To sit and stare
The anti-smokers are here and there
An asteroid may strike the Earth
So give the oceans a very wide berth.
I made that up thinking about an intelligent glass that has been
developed in the U.S. by Mitsubishi. Each glass is fitted with
dishwasher-proof electronic tags which, when the glass is emptied,
detect the drop in liquid and warns bar staff or waiters, ensuring the
customer is never left waiting for a refill.
Would somebody get me one of those tags for my ashtray, please. The
way things are going, chain-smoking Havanas is going to be the norm.
